Viking Jokes

The Viking Wedding Night Long ago, Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in the ancient North, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the village doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm getting married next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay." "Well I'll have to put it in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight." Said the doctor. "It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a little 4 sided splint, and roped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art for those times. Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and celebrated all night drinking. After the feast, he carried her to his house. As they got inside, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, "'re the first vun! NO vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena. Still in DA CRATE!"
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
The Staring Viking There was once a Viking who became such a powerful warrior, he decided to take up a new challenge. The Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests. He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids. Believing that their daughter was guaranteed to win in a staring contest, the couple sent a messenger to invite the Viking to Ireland to face off against her. He gladly accepted the challenge, setting sail the next day. The Viking eventually arrived at the couple's home, where he and the daughter had a staring contest which lasted for hours, and eventually days. Nearly a week had passed, and the Viking's eyes remained wide open. At this point, the girl was so exhausted that she decided to forfeit the match, losing by default. Her parents were baffled. The wife asked her husband, "How could he have kept his eyes open for so long, even against someone with no eyelids?" With no good explanation, the husband shrugged and responded "You can lead a Norse to daughter, but you can't make him blink."
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