My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Yo Mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
St. Peter and the Politicians
St. Peter and the Politicians St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven When a group of politicians walked up. "Hey Petey, may we come in too Heaven?" asks one jovially. St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had a group of politicians come in to heaven before, let me ask God." He then turns around and goes to consult God. "My lord, there is a group of politicians at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?" God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had politicians in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in." St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later. "THEY'RE GONE!" He said. "The politicians?" "THE PEARLY GATES!!"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry.
Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest di*k."
My wife thinks our love life is boring and I get distracted too easily…
Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.