What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry.
Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest di*k."
My wife thinks our love life is boring and I get distracted too easily…
Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.

“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies,” Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”

In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Yo Mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.