In an Irish pub, a newcomer ordered a pint of beer. He drank it and complained it was weak. The bartender served him a 10% alcohol beer, and the newcomer said it was still weak.
The next day, the bartender mixed pure alcohol with detergent to make foam and added yellow dye. The newcomer said it was almost good, but still weak.
Annoyed, the bartender mixed sulfuric acid with the alcohol and waited. The newcomer arrived, drank it, his eyes bulged, he paid, and left. He didn’t come back the next day.
The bartender was relieved when he finally reappeared. He offered him a regular strong beer on the house, and the newcomer said:
“No way! I want the one that makes holes in the sidewalk when I piss!”
Lawyer Smith was in his office one day.
His partner Jones of their Smith and Jones law firm was not in. Business was rather slow lately, so he was glad when a client came in to pay her bill which amounted to four hundred dollars.
He diligently entered the amount in the account book and was putting away the money when he realized that there were two hundred dollar notes stuck together. With the extra hundred dollar note in his hand, he experienced the inner struggle that all faithful lawyers face.
After battling with his conscience long and hard he finally decided on a coin toss. Heads he would tell, tails he won't.
Tails came up.
So he didn't tell his partner.
A blonde walks into the police department.
"What can I do you for?" asks the police officer on duty.
"I'd like to join the police!" She says.
Amused and bored, the officer decides to "interview" her and ask a few questions:
"What’s 2+2?"
She replied, “4”.
"What’s the square root of 100?"
She answered, “10”
"Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Puzzled, she responds, “hmmm, I don’t know...”
The officer smiles and tells her to go home and think about it.
The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job.
She responds excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
A rough old general has heard about a unit with the toughest soldiers around and decides to visit them.
After reviewing the troops on parade he visits the medical tent to meet the soldiers.
The general barks at the first soldier, "Why are you here, soldier?"
"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"
"And how are you treating that?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life?"
"To kill the enemy Sir!"
Impressed, the general asks the next soldier, "Why are you here?"
"Genital warts, Sir!"
"And how are you treating it?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life?"
"To kill the enemy, Sir!"
Once again the general is impressed and moves on to the last soldier.
"And why are you here?"
"Gum disease, Sir!"
"And how are you treating it?"
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!"
"And what's your goal in life?"
"To beat these other two to the wire brush, Sir!"
A woman visits her husband in prison. They have a long talk, and then the guard tells them their time is over.
The woman gets up to leave, but before she reaches the door, she turns to the correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard, he's exhausted!"
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, all he does is eat, sleep, and sit in his cell. He doesn't even go outside in the yard!"
"Don't you lie to me!" Said the wife hotly, "He just told me he's been digging a tunnel every day for months!" 
A man tells his therapist that his wife hasn't had s*x with him in six months. The therapist then has the wife come in, and asks her why she doesn't want to have s*x with her husband any more.
The woman tells him, "For the past six months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'"
By this time I'm late for work so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write you up for being late or what?' I need the job, so I take 'or what.'"
At the end of the day I take the cab and I still don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so I take 'or what.'"
"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and my husband asks me: "Are we going to have s*x or what?" So again I choose the what..."
A man lost his hand in a war and goes to a shop to purchase a prosthetic hand.
He enters the shop and explains his situation, the salesman directs him to their selection and picks up the first prosthetic hand.
"This is one of our highest quality prosthetic hands, will feel as close to having the touch in your fingers as you were prior the incident. It costs $1,500".
"No thank you, that is too expensive for me.", says the war vet, "Do you have anything cheaper?"
The man nods his head and picks up the next prosthetic hand. "This one is almost as good as the other one, it has received multiple high reviews from our customers. It costs $900".
Again the man argues, "No thank you, that is too expensive still, do you have anything else?".
The salesman nods his head and picks up the last prosthetic arm on the rack.
"This is our cheapest prosthetic arm, it costs $650, however we only have it in a green color".
The vet again responds, "No thank you, that is still too expensive and I despise the color green."
The salesman, out of options, tells the man, "Across the road there is an old man close to death selling his prosthetic hand, from the old man you can go and buy your third hand second hand first hand".
A police officer pulls over a little old lady for a minor traffic violation and asks for her license and registration.
As she opens her wallet, the officer notices the handle of a gun in her purse.
"Ma'am," he asks warily, "Is that a gun?"
"Yes, Officer," she replies sweetly. "It's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."
"Okay," the officer says, taking a step back. "Please place that purse on the passenger seat and don't make any sudden moves. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?"
"Well," she says, "There is a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment."
"Okay," the officer says, now visibly nervous. "Let's just stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?"
"I do have a .22 Derringer in my bra," she admits. "But it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly."
The officer sighs, wiping sweat from his forehead. "Ma'am, do you have any other weapons?"
"Just a Mossberg 12-gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk," she says matter-of-factly.
The officer stares at her in disbelief. He pauses for a long moment, trying to process the arsenal this sweet old lady is carrying.
"Ma'am," he finally asks, "You have a revolver, a pistol, a derringer, a shotgun, and an assault rifle. What are you so afraid of?"
The old lady looks him dead in the eye.
"Not a goddamn thing."
Three NHL coaches are waiting outside the delivery unit as their wives are all in labor.
After many hours, a nurse comes out to see the first coach.
"Your wife just finished giving birth! Both she and the baby are fine! A healthy baby boy!" the nurse said. "But... I've never seen a baby like yours..."
"What do you mean?" the coach asked.
"Well," the nurse replied, "your son growled and clawed at us like a... like a wild cat..."
When the coach heard this, they chuckled before replying,
"Well, that makes sense! After all, I work for the Florida Panthers!"
The husband then follows the nurse to see their wife and son, and after a while they come out to see the second coach.
"I'm so happy to tell you that your wife had a beautiful daughter! Yet her behavior is also... very peculiar..."
"How so?" the coach asked.
"Well, you see," the nurse became hesitant to reply, "they started... quacking... almost like they were-"
"A duck?" the coach interrupted.
"Well... Yes..." the nurse confirmed.
The coach could only laugh in response.
"Well what do you know?!" they beamed. "She really is the daughter of the coach of the Anaheim Ducks!"
But while the second coach was gleeful, the third coach was white in the face, and immediately began to rush out of the delivery unit.
"Where you do think you're going?" the nurse asked.
"To call an exorcist!" the third coach yelled out. "I'm the coach of the New Jersey Devils!"
A cowboy was coming to the end of his life at the age of 101 years old. He great grandson visits him and asks "Grandpappy, how did you do it? You are from a time with poor health care and disease, how did you make it all the way to 101?".
"Well, I dont rightly know" says the cowboy. "The only thing I can think of is every morning for breakfast I have a bowl of porridge, I take out one of my bullets, break it open and sprinkle the gunpowder over it. Maybe that did it."
The young man thinks on this and decides it cant really hurt. So from that day onwards every morning he would start his day with a bowl of porridge with a spinkle of gunpowder on it.
Amazingly he lived to the ripe old age of 107 years old. He left behind six children, 19 grandchildren, 74 great grand children...
and a 10ft hole in the crematorium wall.
By the river, next to a farm, there sits the "black cow" of the herd, smoking weed.
A beaver swims up to her and asks:
‘Hey, cow, what are you doing?’
‘I’m smoking weed.’ said the cow.
‘Give me some; I’ve never smoked before…’ exclaimed the beaver.
The cow relinquished the joint, the beaver inhaled the smoke and immediately exhaled it. The cow replies,
‘No no, not like that! Look: you’re inhaling the smoke and holding it in your lungs for a long time. Besides, swim downstream for a bit, come back here, and then exhale. And I’m telling you, you'll really enjoy it.’
They did as planned. The beaver inhaled, swam underwater to the other side of the river, and after a few moments, felt quite bizarre. He came ashore, flopped down on the grass, and slumped. A hippo approached him and asked,
‘Hey, beaver, what are you doing?’
‘Ah, see, hippo, I’m super high…’
‘Give me some stuff; I want some too.’ said the bored hippo excitedly
‘Swim across to the other side to the cow - she will share some with you.’
The hippo swam upstream and came ashore, and as he approached the now-napping cow, she popped her eyes open and screamed:
‘Beaver, for goodness sake, LET SOME AIR OUT!’
A man is doing 20 over the speed limit on the highway when a cop pulls him over.
The man rolls his window down as the cop approaches, who says, "Sir, any reason you're driving so fast?"
"Well," the guy says, "I've recently decided to try beekeeping, and I need to get the bees in my trunk home A.S.A.P."
The officer squints. "You have bees in your trunk?"
"I'm still new to bee keeping, sir. I didn't know where else to put them," he says.
In disbelief, the cop says, "You're lying. Pop the trunk."
"Do I have to?" the guy asks.
"Do it or I'm writing you up for reckless driving and obstruction," the officer says.
So the man pops the trunk.
A thick cloud of angry wasps explodes out. The cop makes a break for it as they swarm him, and as he flees he cries, "You said you had bees!"
And the guy leans out his window and goes, "Those aren't bees!?"
On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said:
“We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”
Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car.
Next week, same scenario - radio says:
“10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.”
Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ.
Week three:
They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…”
And POOF - the power goes out!
The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!”
With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
A lion was walking proudly through the savanna, his head held high surveying the land before him.
He comes across a boar, who cowers at the sight of him.
"Hey, boar, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion.
"You, sir, of course", said the fearful boar.
"Correct", said the lion, and moved on.
He then comes across an antelope.
"Hey, antelope, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion.
"Y-y-ou, s-s-ir", said the trembling antelope.
"Darn right!", said the lion, and moved on.
He then comes across an elephant.
"Hey, elephant, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion.
The elephant, without saying a word, grabs the lion with his trunk, spins him around, and tosses him into a nearby muddy watering hole.
The lion slowly crawls out, mud dripping, and mutters under his breath, "The temper some animals have... he could have just said, 'I don't know!'"
I had a phone conversation this morning with a very nice young fella from India.
This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you-"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and hung up.
An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside.
Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.”
Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the lot. A bearded man in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?”
She explained, “My daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?”
The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.
Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!"
The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft."
The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a professional!"
After many years of work, Jack retired and started playing golf. He was at the course almost every day, but after a few years, he stopped.
When his wife asked why, he told her: "My eyesight has deteriorated. I hit the ball, but I have no idea where it flies. It takes all the fun out of it."
The wife thought for a moment and said: "Ask my brother Nathan to help you. He's eighty-five, but his vision is excellent."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think so?"
"Don't worry," she said, "Nathan sees like a hawk!"
The next day, Jack and Nathan went to the golf course together. Jack positioned himself at the first tee and hit the ball straight into the trees off the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked his brother-in-law.
"Of course!" said Nathan proudly.
Jack tried again, and this time the golf ball flew over a distant hill. "Did you see where the ball went?" he asked.
"Yes," answered Nathan, "I saw exactly where it went."
Jack, satisfied and ready to move on, asked, "Where do I need to go to collect the first 2 balls?"
"No idea." answered his brother-in-law.
"What do you mean, 'no idea'?" asked Jack angrily, "I thought you saw everything!"
"I saw," said Nathan, "but I don't remember..."
Tarzan of the Apes was fighting a Lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his penis. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed. They gave him the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant’s trunk for a penis.
A couple weeks pass and a chimp comes by to ask Tarzan how his new parts are.
Tarzan says “Eye, make Tarzan see far!” “Arm, make Tarzan strong!” “But Tarzan no like new wee-wee!!”
The chimp asks “why not?”
Tarzan makes a curling motion with his arm, mimicking an elephant’s trunk and says,
“It keeps picking weeds and shoving them up Tarzan’s ass!”
Fellow shows up at the local dry cleaner's, looking somewhat sheepish.
"I'm really sorry to bother you with this," he says, "but I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old ticket for a suit I brought in to be cleaned five years ago! It must have fallen out of my pocket and it has been sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust since then! Would you by any chance still have the suit?"
The dry cleaner looks at the ticket and says he will go to the back of the shop to look.
Fellow hears the dry cleaner rummaging around in the back for about twenty minutes.
Finally, the dry cleaner emerges, covered in dust, but with a triumphant smile on his face.
"You won't believe it," says the dry cleaner, "but I have good news for you!"
"Oh my goodness!" says the fellow. "You mean you actually found it?"
"Yep!" Said the dry cleaner proudly: "It'll be ready next Tuesday!"
A farmer hires a new hand. He looks a little slow, but strong as an ox.
He tells him "Toss these hay bales in the tractor", and he does, no problem.
He tells him "Put these fence posts into the dirt", and he mallets them in faster than the farmer ever had.
He then trusted the young man enough to take care of the toughest task on the farm.
"Hold down the cow and insert this suppository. It's for Mad Cow disease." and hands him a pill the size of a red bull can.
10 minutes later, looking worn out and wobbly on his feet, the farmhand returns.
"Haha Did Ol Bess put up a fight?", asked the farmer with a grin.
"No...'", the young man said, concernedly, "...she just stared at me like I was crazy. But that pill hurt like the dickens!"
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
A high-powered attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days - and let’s just say, he was not the ideal patient.
He barked orders, whined about everything, and treated the nurses like they worked for him personally.
Most of the staff had just about had it with him... except the head nurse. She’d seen it all - and she wasn’t about to take any nonsense.
One morning, she marched into his room and said, “I need to take your temperature.”
He groaned, huffed, and puffed for five solid minutes, then finally opened his mouth like he was doing her a favor.
“Oh no,” the nurse said with a sweet smile. “This reading can’t be done orally.”
More complaining. More whining. But finally, with a dramatic sigh, he rolled over and presented the royal backside.
She inserted the thermometer and said, “Perfect. Now, don’t move - I’ll be right back.”
Then she walked out… and left the door WIDE open.
People passed by. Some snickered. Others laughed out loud. The attorney stewed in silent humiliation.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor walked in, took one look, and blinked.
“What on earth is going on here?” he asked.
The attorney, red-faced and furious, snapped, “Well?! Haven’t you ever seen someone getting their temperature taken?!”
The doctor paused, tilted his head, and said…
“Sure… just never with a ballpoint pen.”
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!"
Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind."
The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!"
Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!"
Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?"
Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!"
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!"
"Crap!" Jerry exclaims.
"Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes."
Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!"
"I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after smearing goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP!
Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. Eight more times he tried it, and eight more times the miracle occurred.
Excitedly, he ran to the rabbi and told him. The rabbi, stubborn and skeptical, refused to believe such nonsense. “Show me,” he demanded.
The shlemiel dropped the bread once, twice, a dozen times, and each time it landed goosefat side up. The rabbi scowled. He stroked his beard, paced the room, and shook his head.
After hours of watching, he finally declared: “This is no miracle. The explanation is simple.”
The villagers asked, “Rabbi, how can that be? We all saw it!”
The rabbi replied, “The boy, being a shlemiel, smeared the goosefat on the wrong side of the bread!"
On an RAF station in East Africa in the early 1930s, the Station Commander somehow managed to get hold of a very elderly lion, nearly blind, with hardly a tooth in his head. He called it "Clarence", and with care and gentle management Clarence became quite friendly and rather a pet for everyone on the whole squadron.
One morning a newly-arrived member of the squadron was going up for exercises and noticed the runway was blocked by a familiar-looking shape stretched out in a snooze halfway along it. He tried blipping the throttle a few times but the lion paid no attention, so after a while the pilot got down, jogged up to the animal and yelled "GET OUT OF THE WAY!", reinforcing it with the toe of his well-polished uniform shoe.
The lion opened one eye blearily, gave him an offended look, then lumbered to its feet and slunk off into the long grass.
Landing after half an hour of circuits and bumps, the pilot picked up the nearest phone and called the CO's office. "Sir," he complained, "I wish you'd keep that lion of yours under control. I had to shoo him off the runway before I could take off just now!"
"What the hell are you blathering on about?" responded the CO. "Clarence has been napping under my desk all morning!"
A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.
The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.
When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"
"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"
"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"
A man suffers from terrible constipation, and decides to go to his doctor.
After the man describes his sorrowful condition, the doctor decides to prescribe him a laxative. He grabs a paper and a pencil and starts doing some calculations. He asks the man, "How are you gonna go home?", to which the man replies "I'll walk."
The doctor then tell him there's a public toilet just 10 minutes away. He takes into account the man's speed of walking, how near the toilet is, whether it may be occupied and so on. After carefully calculating something for a solid 15 minutes, he measures a precise amount of the laxative and asks the man to consume it in the clinic itself, and tells him to immediately leave for his home, and report back on the status of success later on.
30 minutes later, the man comes back to the doctor's office with a very uncomfortable expression on his face, and walking weirdly.
He says "Doc, the laxative worked quite well, but... do you have 50 cents?''
One day, a woodcutter was chopping trees by the river when suddenly his axe fell into the water. He began to cry.
At that moment, the landowner happened to pass by and asked why he was crying. The woodcutter explained that his axe, which he used to make a living, had fallen into the river.
The landowner went into the water and came out holding an axe made of gold and diamonds. He asked the woodcutter, “Is this your axe?”
“No,” replied the woodcutter.
The landowner went into the water again and came out with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” he asked.
“No,” said the woodcutter.
The landowner went in a third time and came out with an iron axe.
“Is this your axe?”
“Yes!” the woodcutter replied happily.
The landowner was so pleased to find such an honest man that he gave him all three axes. The woodcutter went home full of joy.
A few days later, the woodcutter and his wife went walking by the river. Suddenly, his wife fell into the water. Again the woodcutter began to cry, and again the landowner appeared and asked why.
“My wife fell into the river!” said the miserable woodcutter.
The landowner went into the water and came out with Audrey Hepburn at her prime.
“Is this your wife?” he asked.
“Yes!” said the woodcutter.
“You lied to me!” shouted the landowner, furious.
“Please understand,” replied the woodcutter. “If I had said no, you would have come out with Scarlett Johansson or some such. And if I had said no again, you would have brought out my real wife, and then I would have said yes. That way you would have given me all three! But I’m a poor man – I can’t take care of three women. So I said yes right away to Audrey…”
Moral of the story: You may need more than one axe, but not more than one woman...
A woman's dog came in one day in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her other dog separated. But she had a large house and believed that she could keep the two apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep that night, she heard growling sounds, and rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, unable to disengage (as frequently happens when dogs mate).
Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, and although very late at night, she called her vet.
"Yes?", he answered in a b grumpy voice.
She proceeded to explain the situation to him.
The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I'll call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and withdraw".
"Really, do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me."
A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
Ma and Pa were two old folks living out on a farm up in the hills last century. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College grajute, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
A couple of pretty gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow.
They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink.
Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask those pretty ladies over to join us?"
"My pleasure!" Hos buddy says and walks over to them saying, "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"
One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!"
He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away.
He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?"
His friend replies "Nah. They don't speak any English."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring.
Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied:
“Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
A short guy was walking in a hookers street. Everybody could see he was very shy.
He saw a nice-looking hooker sitting on a stool, so he stopped and looked at her with interest.
She noticed his lack of confidence, obviously because he was too short, so she told him, "Don't worry, mine fits all sizes."
So the guy smiled and asked her, "How much?"
She replied, "For you it'll be $90."
So he gave her the money, took the stool, and left.
His wife having passed away an Englishman went to the local monumental mason in order to acquire a suitable headstone in time for the funeral.
The mason asked for suggestions regarding a suitable inscription.
The customer considered the problem and decided that, as his late wife had been quite religious, name, dates etc. and “She was thine” would be suitable.
He agreed to return in two days and paid extra for the master’s rapid service. When he came back he was shown the stone by the apprentice mason and examined it.
He demanded to see the master and complained that the stone had obviously been prepared by the apprentice.
“How can you tell” he was asked. “
Look at it man, it says” “She was THIN”
“THIN!” “He’s only gone and forgotten the e”!
The mason apologized profusely and said it can be fixed by that very afternoon if the customer would return then.
Well, when he returned to look at the work he went into an absolute rage and shouted at the master that he must have given this important task to the apprentice again.
“How can you tell” asked the master.
“Well”, raved the customer, “now it says” “Eeee, she was thin”.
A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees.
The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!"
The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!"
The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!"
The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!"
Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw."
The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store.
The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"
An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector.
He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right."
Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
"The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
While still lying in bed, the wife turned to her husband, and said, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today." "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home to straighten yourself out."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it was forgotten. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night," the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" he asked.
"Because every 2 minutes you were telling your secretary to go faster."
A huge, muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at, points in a direction and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "Ju-ju-jus-jus-just te-tell me, w-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered.
A customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, "Wow he's pissed. Why wouldn't you answer his question?"
The clerk replies, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
In a small Jewish community, there was a problem: should people stand or sit when reciting the prayers? Every time they got to the prayers, half the people stood and the other half sat.
The ones standing would shout, “Stand up! Stand up!”
The ones sitting would shout, “Sit down! Sit down!”
And the prayer would always end in chaos and argument.
Realizing they couldn’t go on like this, they went to a great rabbi and asked him, “Are we supposed to stand or sit during the Kaddish?”
The rabbi looked into the sources and authorities, and ruled: “There’s no biblical requirement—it depends on the custom of your community.”
“But how can we know what the community's tradition was?” they asked.
“Ask one of the founders of your community,” the rabbi replied. “See what they did back then.”
So the congregation found a 90-year-old man, one of the original members of the community who no longer came to services, and they sent a delegation from both sides to ask him.
“Are we supposed to stand?” asked the standers.
“No!” said the old man. “That was not the community tradition!”
The sitters beamed. “So we’re supposed to sit?”
“No!” the old man answered again. “That wasn’t the custom either!”
“So what is the custom?” the delegation asked.
“Well,” said the old man, “what’s happening now is that half of you stand, half of you sit, the standers yell ‘Stand up! Stand up!’, the sitters yell ‘Sit down! Sit down!’, and the prayer ends in a mess and a big fight!”
His face lit up. “THAT is our custom!"
Two old friends went on a fishing trip and used the time away from home to complain about their wives.
"Tell me something," one of them asked, "how come every year I forget my wedding anniversary, but my wife always remembers—and then gets mad at me?"
"That's actually very easy to explain," the other replied.
"Remember that summer before you got married? We went on a trip, and you caught the biggest fish of your life?"
"Of course I do!" said the first. "How could I ever forget landing a catch like that?"
"Well," said his friend, "just like in your case—trust me—the fish doesn’t remember a thing!"
Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: "So, how's your home life?"
The other answers: "Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!"
The other guy looks at him astonished: "An elephant? Have you gone mad?"
The guy replies, smiling: "Oh, my friend, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!"
The other billionaire scratches his chin. "Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?"
The guy replies: "A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price."
The other billionaire says: "Sell him to me for two million?"
The first billionaire: "No, what are you saying? Sell him? He's like family!"
"Three million!"
"I don't know, my dear... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!"
"Alright, five million!"
"Five million?.. Well, alright my man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're bosom buddies".
In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:
"What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, the worst purchase in my life!"
The other billionaire shakes his head at him and says:
"Well, my friend, I don't know what to say, you'll never sell an elephant with that attitude. "
A man from the city was reporting for a job at a residential home and knocked on the door. The owner wasn't home, but his pet parrot was.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes."
There was no answer, so he knocks again.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes.", said the man, starting to feel annoyed.
There was no answer, so he knocks again.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes...", said the man, starting to get a little angry.
There was no answer, so he knocks again.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!", shouted the man, now quite furious. So furious in fact, that he suddenly had a heart attack and collapsed on the front stairs.
The owners come home and are shocked to find a dead man on their steps. The wife says to the husband, "Well, who is it?"
The parrot then replies, "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!"
A man arrives at the pearly gates and notices a group of rich people in expensive suits fighting over a needle. One guy yells, "It’s my turn!" while another in a black baseball cap jabs himself repeatedly, shouting, "Ow, ow, ow!"
The man turns to St. Peter and asks, "What’s going on over there?"
St. Peter sighs. "Oh, that’s just the world’s richest trying to get into heaven."
Confused, the man points at the needle. "Okay… but what are they doing with that?"
St. Peter shrugs. "You know Mark 10:25, right? 'Easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven'?"
"Sure, but… where’s the camel?"
St. Peter smirks. "We ran out. This seemed easier."
I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day.
I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun.
So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair.
That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack.
Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious.
He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't.
Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T.
My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!
A man goes into a cafe and asks for breakfast done ‘my way.’
He says, "Can I get a full cooked breakfast, but I need it cooked my way?"
"Can I have bacon that’s so burnt that it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?"
"Can I have sausages that are so rubbery that you could bounce them off the ground and they would hit the roof?"
"Can I have all the shell broken up through my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline?"
"Can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy, congealed slime?"
The man behind the counter says, "Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?"
And the guy says, "You seemed to find the time yesterday."
A stingy old man was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you when you die.”
After much thought, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.
He then directed her to take the pillow cases full of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab them on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral the deceased man’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaims. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
A man’s relatives from Mexico came to visit for the first time, and he wanted to give them a true American experience. He decided to take them to a football game.
Unfortunately, by the time they got to the stadium, the only seats left were in the nosebleeds, partially blocked by a giant support column.
The man was embarrassed. He apologized to his uncle and said, "I'm so sorry the seats aren’t better. We can hardly see the field from here."
But his uncle waved him off and said, "Don’t worry about it! I’m just happy to be here."
The game started, and the man noticed his uncle was incredibly cheerful, even more so than he expected. He clapped along, cheered loudly, and had a smile plastered across his face the entire time. After the game ended, the man couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer.
“Uncle, I’m so glad you had a good time, but tell me, why were you so happy? We could barely see the game!”
His uncle beamed and said, “Well, I was so touched by how nice everyone is in America! The entire stadium stood up and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?’
Noah and Frank left a bar after a long night of drinking, jumped into Noah’s car and Noah started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
Frank screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
Noah sped up but the old man's face stayed in the window.
Frank rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
Frank handed the old man a cigarette, yelled, "Step on it," to Noah and quickly rolled up the window.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
Noah said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," Frank yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
Frank threw a lighter out the window and said to Noah, "Step on it!"
Noah floored it, and going about 100 miles an hour they tried to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" Frank rolled down the window and screamed, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
A young woman is travelling in Rome for the first time. Feeling a pull toward the grandeur of a beautiful cathedral, she decided to step in and admire the stained glass windows she had heard so much about. As she approached the entrance, a kindly but stern-looking priest emerged.
"Excuse me, Miss," he said, raising a hand to stop her. "I’m afraid I can’t let you enter dressed like that."
The young woman tilted her head in confusion. "Like what?" she asked. "My dress is modest."
The priest hesitated, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Well, it's not the dress itself, it's just that you are not wearing a bra. I can't let you in like that."
"Seriously?" Said the woman angrily, "I have a divine right!"
"A divine left, too, Miss," the priest replied "but you still can’t come in."
A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches.
"You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"
"Really?"
"Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was of course much faster than me."
The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."
"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.
"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.
"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."
"That's nice "
"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."
God was giving out traits to Adam and Eve. He had two left and decided to ask their preference.
He said, “So I have two things left for you both. The first is peeing while standing up…”
Adam jumped up and said, “Me! Me! I want to pee standing up! Then I can just pee wherever I am standing. Oh, and I can write my name in the snow!”
God said, “Are you sure you want it? I haven’t even said what the other trait is?”
Adam said, “I don’t care. Peeing standing up is so cool, nothing can beat that!”
God shrugged and asked, “Eve, are you ok with this?”
Eve looked at how happy Adam was and shrugged herself. “It’s ok, I’m sure I’ll also be happy with whatever I get.”
God nodded, “Yes. For you Eve, the last trait, then - Multiple orgasms.”
Steve from Texas is waiting for his big surgery, when his anesthesiologist walks into the room with his equipment.
Steve swallows nervously and asks: "Excuse me, would you mind explaining to me how you'll put me under? This is my first time."
"Oh sure," said the anesthesiologist kindly, "Don't worry, I only use the best drugs and I have lots of experience measuring just the right amount. You won't feel a thing and will wake up with no side effects at all."
"Oh," breathed Steve, "that's awesome, thanks Doc!"
"Sure," said the doctor, "by the way, are you insured with any of our..."
"Ah, no." Said Steve, "I don't have insurance."
"Ah, I see." says the anesthesiologist and begins to sing: "Twinkle twinkle little star..."
There were three receptionists at a convention each talking about how dodgy their coworkers were.
The first said "Nobody is more dodgy than car salesmen. My colleagues will patch up a car so that it will drive just far enough away from the yard before it breaks down and then claim that it was in perfect working order."
The second said, "That's nothing, I work in a law office. They'll represent your coworkers in court and make sure that they aren't responsible for that lemon. They're the dodgiest."
"Wow, " the third receptionist said. That hits close to home. I recently bought a car that did exactly that. I drove it to work and parked, but when I came out after work, it wouldn't start. I took the car yard to court and their lawyer successfully argued that they weren't at fault."
"So which was dodgier?" The first asked.
"My colleagues. I work for the local police and while I was sitting in my broken down car in the station car park, trying to get it started, one of my colleagues reversed into me and then arrested me for reckless driving. "
A stoner is walking along the beach when he stumbles upon an old, dusty lamp. Curiosity gets the best of him, so he picks it up, gives it a rub, and—poof—a genie appears.
"Mortal, you have summoned me, and you may have three wishes." the genie says, eyeing him seriously. "What is your first wish?"
The stoner, already in a mellow mood, grins. "Alright, for my first wish, let's smoke a joint together." The genie, though a bit surprised, shrugs. With a snap of his fingers, a joint appears, and they light up, passing it back and forth in silence, enjoying the ocean breeze.
After a few minutes, the genie says, "What's your second wish?"
The stoner, eyes half-closed, nods and says, "For my second wish, let’s smoke another one." The genie obliges, conjuring up another joint, and they repeat the process, sinking deeper into relaxation.
Once that joint’s burned down, the genie clears his throat, "So, what's your third wish?"
The stoner thinks for a second, a slow smile spreading across his face. "Okay, for my third wish... let’s smoke one more."
The genie raises an eyebrow but obliges him.
So they spark up one last joint, and after they finish, the genie disappears into the lamp.
A minute later, he pops out with chicken nuggets in his hand and asks: "So, what's your fourth wish?"
It's Soviet Russia, 1978, and Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door.
Rabinovich: "Who's there?"
A firm voice responds: "Post office. Please open."
Rabinovich opens the door and is unsurprised to find Two KGB agents standing there. One of them is holding an envelope.
KGB officer 1: "Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world?"
Rabinovich: "Why, Communism."
KGB officer 2: "And what country has the best living standards?"
Rabinovich: "The Soviet Union, of course."
Officer 1: "And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens?"
Rabinovich: "The Soviet Constitution, Comrades."
Officer 2: "Then do you mind explaining to us, Comrade Rabinovich, why you have recently filed a request to emigrate to France?"
Rabinovich: "Well, I heard that over there, they don't deliver the mail in the middle of the night."
A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."
A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.
The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.
On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"
The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread.
A young couple had recently gotten married, and after three months, the wife went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she was pregnant. She was thrilled, but the doctor also informed her that, due to a rare complication, she shouldn't have sex with her husband until after the birth.
The wife went home and told her husband what the doctor had said. The husband agreed to try and hold out.
After a month, the husband couldn't resist anymore and asked his wife to be intimate. Of course, she refused. Seeing her husband so depressed and sad, the wife called him over and said, "My dear husband, I know you're suffering. Here, take $100 and go to a sex worker to relieve yourself."
The husband took the money and thought to himself, "What a wonderful and considerate wife," opened the door, and went down the stairs, feeling cheerful.
When he reached the first floor, the neighbor's wife saw him and asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He happily told her the whole story.
She then said, "Why go looking outside for a sex worker? Give me the 100 bucks, and I'll take care of you."
The man agreed, gave her the money, went into her apartment, enjoyed himself for twenty minutes, and then returned home.
His wife saw him and was astonished, asking, "What happened, dear? You came back so quickly; did you change your mind?"
The husband replied, "I went downstairs, and the neighbor saw me. She offered to take the money instead, so that's what I did."
His wife got very angry and said, "What a jerk! When she was pregnant, I did her husband for free!"
A man goes to the doctor, who diagnoses him as having hemorrhoids.
.
The doctor prescribes him a suppository and tells him to use up to two daily as needed until the problem subsides.
The man has never used a suppository before and uses it like he would any other pill: he swallows them. They are a bit big, but he manages.
A few weeks later, the man calls the doctor and asks for a refill. The doctor is surprised and asks, "Ran out? What are you doing with them? Eating them!?"
The man answers sarcastically, "No Doc., I'm sticking them up my arse."
Three blondes decide to go hunting...
While they are in the field, they stumble across a set of tracks.
The first one exclaimed, "Oh, look! Deer tracks!"
The second one said, "You dummy, those are definitely moose tracks."
The third one chimed in and said, "You're both wrong. Those are the biggest bear tracks I've ever seen!"
They started arguing about who was right and who was wrong. After about an hour they decided it was moose tracks...
And that's when the train hit them.
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