Win Jokes

The Dunkard's Prize A hard drinker walks into a local bar and sees three darts laying across the bar top. "Hey, bartender!" The drunk slurs. "Whas...whas.. with th- these darts?" "Oh", the bartender says. "It's a new promotion we're running. Whoever gets three bullseye's in a row wins a prize." The drunk stands up, swaying fearfully. "Where's that dartboard?!?" He throws the first dart, nearly toppling over in the process but, sure as hell, he gets a bullseye! The drunk throws the second dart with one eye closed, and you guessed it, another bullseye! The bartender can't believe it! Unbelievably, the drunk throws third dart toward the dartboard, not even seeing it hit the bullseye as he'd already turned back to the bar and was yelling for his prize. But the bartender had nothing! Statistically, nobody, much less this inebriate, should hit three in a row for 100 years! Not knowing what else to do, the bartender goes in the back, looking around, he spots a stuffed turtle sitting in an old dusty tank. Out of options, he grabs it, goes back and hands it to the drunk. Satisfied, the drunk leaves. A few months go by and the same drunk walks in. "Hey, bartender! Y- you shtill got those darts?" The bartender obliges him, thinking- "What are the odds???" Boom. Boom. Boom. Once again, he makes all three shots. "Hey! I won again! Now where's my prize?!?" the drunk exclaims. The bartender can't believe his rotten luck, but a deal is a deal. "Okay," he hazards, "it's been a while and I forget-what did I give you last time?" The drunk downs a shot and says- "Roast beef on a hard roll."
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
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