An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks, breathing hard.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
All jokes that are related to criminals and prisons, such as crime jokes, prison jokes, robbing jokes, mugging jokes, prisoner jokes, execution jokes, thief jokes, stealing jokes, bank robber jokes, murder jokes and fraud jokes.
Jokes that either take place in a prison, are about prisoners or jokes about criminals or crime.
Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years.
"How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?"
Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day."
Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years.
The two friends parted after lunch.
Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.
"Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked.
"Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied.
"I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued.
"Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?"
"This is Oliver's parole officer."
A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty.
As he snuck behind the guard, he couldn't help but notice the guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying. "I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again!" He moaned. "Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore!" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.
The burglar could easily sneak past, but found himself feeling bad for the guard. Instead of proceeding with his plan, the burglar's sympathy for the guard got the better of him. He marched right down to the museum curator's office and kicked in the door.
There sat the director of the museum, the head of HR, and the head of security in a meeting.
"What are you doing here? How did you get pass the guard?!?" shouted the museum director.
"Gentlemen," said the burglar, "I'm afraid you've let your guard down."
Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers.
Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it.
After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.
On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling.
They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?"
The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No."
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did you play poker yesterday?"
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No."
Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, "So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me!
Did YOU play poker yesterday?"
The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself?"
Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch, sipping their tea.
Then one asked the other:
"Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?"
"Yes, that's right."
"So how are things between you right now?"
"Well... right now..."
The cannibal stopped to take a sip of her tea.
"Right now I'm letting him stew..."
A few decades ago, three prisoners were sitting in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So, what did you do to be put in here?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of trying to be show up my comrades.
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
"Gosh, I'd really like to help you..." He told the warden, "but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"
Two Jewish men knock on Rabbi Levi's door.
"What can I do for you gentlemen?" Said the Rabbi once he opened his door.
They explain to him they have an argument and cannot resolve it. The Rabbi agrees to help them.
"What is the argument about?" he asks.
First Man: "Black is a color!"
Second Man: "NO! it is not!"
First Man: "It is a color!"
Second Man: "Rabbi, is black a color?"
"Well, sure..." Said the confused Rabbi.
First Man: "See, I told you. And so is white!"
Second Man: "White is not a color!"
First Man: "Rabbi?"
Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color."
First Man: "See? I told you Moishe, I sold you a Color TV!"
Dave the ranch hand had just finished up his work for the evening and is about to get into his car when a man dressed in black appears from the bushes with a gun in his hand.
"Give me everything you've got!" he screeches at Dave.
So Dave hands over his money and his wallet, but as the man is about to leave Dave stops him.
"Say..." he says to the robber. "Could you shoot a few bullets in my hat to make it look to my wife like I was truly afraid for my life? She'd think I spent it on booze and gambling otherwise."
The robber had a wife too so he agreed and shot a few holes in Dave's hat.
Dave then asked, "Please shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not like a coward."
The criminal sighed and shot the coat.
Then Dave said: "Can you please shoot-"
"please, no more, I'm out of bullets!" said the mugger tiredly.
"That's what I wanted to hear." Smiled Dave unpleasantly. "Now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue!"
A man faces a violation for adding horse meat to the chicken stew in his restaurant. At the court he’s asked why he did it and how much horse meat was in those stew.
“For the money of course and I solemnly swear I always kept the ratio 50:50!”
While the infraction caused many unhappy customers, upon seeing the man’s honesty the judge decides not to revoke his license. However he in turn must always advertise that horse is part of the ingredients. With a sigh of relief, the restaurant owner pays the fine and walks out of the court house with his wife and friend
He friend asked him “Did you really put horse meat or did you add anything else with the chicken?”
“Nope. Only horse meat and chicken”.
“Now tell me the truth man, come on, it was mostly horse meat wasn’t it?”
“Nope. It was always 50:50... one horse per one chicken.”