Andy Jokes

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

- Andy Rooney.
No Way, Warden! Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. "Gosh, I'd really like to help you..." He told the warden, "but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”

- Andy Richter.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
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