What do you call a 13 year old girl from Alabama who can run faster than her six brothers? A virgin.
The Reformed Cowboy
A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
Then he smiled. “Hasn't affected my brothers, though."
An old accountant is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "So if everybody is here... why is the light on in the kitchen?!?"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Playing in Detroit
A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback
...he had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” The coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"