A Very Cheeky Question

Jokes about being old, about seniors and about getting older.

A Very Cheeky Question
A Very Cheeky Question Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. I'm so sorry.” Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said: “How soon do you need to know?"
Feeling Like a Baby
Feeling Like a Baby Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other: “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?” Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.” “No kidding! Like a brand new baby?” “Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
Calling the Doctor
Calling the Doctor A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."
How to Increase Your Savings
How to Increase Your Savings On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party. Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?" Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it." Tim sighs, but he's a good kid, and doesn't fuss about it. They barely walk a few feet, when Scrooge sees a passing taxi and hails it. "How much would you charge to take us home to Springfield Avenue?", Scrooge asks the cab driver. "Springfield Avenue? Around twenty bucks.", says the driver. "Oof! That's too much. We won't be requiring your services, thank you." The cab drives off. Tim turns to his grandfather, exasperated. "Did you *really* think that a taxi to Springfield Avenue would cost less than a bus ride?", he asks, incredulously. "Don't be ridiculous, of course not.", Scrooge scoffs. "Then why did you bother flagging down the taxi, Gramps?!" "Foolish boy! We would've saved $6 by not taking the bus, now we're saving $20 by not taking the taxi!"
3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem
3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So she gets up and gets the coffee. Some time later, old Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time. Finally the two ladies say goodbye. "Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?" says the first one. "All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!". The second one looks at her in amazement: "What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"
The Wife Was Right
The Wife Was Right As Chester left a board meeting at shul, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot. Chester’s wife, Sally, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. Chester’s theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Sally’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Chester burst through the doors of the shul, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Sally’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen. Then Chester made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," he stammered. He always calls her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. Chester thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Sally’s voice. "Chester!" she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me." Sally retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop to take off the handcuffs!"
Silent But Deadly
Silent But Deadly There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into her office, leaned back in her chair, folded her hands into a steeple and asked her how she could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well, Margaret" said the doctor, raising her voice, "I think the first thing we're going to do is to give you a hearing test."
Hard to Hear
Hard to Hear An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Selective Hearing
Selective Hearing Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
When I Was Younger...
When I Was Younger... When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn’t hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress. But now that I am older, I’ve set my body free; There’s the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be. The inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven. And how about those pantyhose They’re sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees? I need to wear these glasses. As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller. Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, and the outside, I’m not what I used to be. But here on the inside, I’m still the same old me!
The Best Senior Games
The Best Senior Games Sag, You’re it. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. Questions Shouted into your Good Ear. Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. Doc, Doc Goose. Simon Says Something Incoherent. Hide and Go Pee Spin the Bottle of Mylanta and last but not least - A Fun round of Musical Recliners!
DR. SUESS For Seniors
DR. SUESS For Seniors I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw. My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell. How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before they year's grown, My goodness, how the time has flown. The Golden Years have come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass!
The Joy of Being Over 70
The Joy of Being Over 70 There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example... Kidnappers aren't very interested in you. In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. You get into a heated argument about pension claims. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. And you may not remember who sent you this list.
You May Be Old If...
You May Be Old If... You may be getting older if... When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!” When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along. When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today. When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot. And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
The Old Man and the Pricey Ring
The Old Man and the Pricey Ring An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special." The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!" The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon." Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!" The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"
The 2.99 Special
The 2.99 Special If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet..God willing, someday you will be.- the 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
A Lesson in Fighter Plane Humility
A Lesson in Fighter Plane Humility A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off and told the C-130 pilot: 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll." And the lesson? When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing. When you get older & smarter - comfort & boredom is not such a bad thing. Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S - Slower, Older and Smarter!
Older Guys Are So Helpful
Older Guys Are So Helpful I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours." We older guys are helpful like that.
If You Can't Count On Family
If You Can't Count On Family Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Joshua turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"
When Grandma Comes Over
When Grandma Comes Over Grandma calls and announces that she will be coming by for a visit in about half an hour. When she comes she is surprised to see her grandchild running to her as if possed and hugging her with all his tiny might. "What is it, Eric??" She asks. "Now that you're here, grandma, we have everything!" "Whatever do you mean?" Inquired the surprised granny. "When you called, mom said: 'That's all we need right now.' So now that you're here, we have all we need!"
The Difference a Letter Makes
The Difference a Letter Makes An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen of her tablet: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. - Sure is HOT down here!"
Whoops!
Whoops! Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quicklypass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher, feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it, put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said "...and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from." With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said: “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”
The Pharmacy List
The Pharmacy List Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "I am." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-" Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "yea, but why-" Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?" "We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."
The Bathtub Test
The Bathtub Test Some have counceled me to go to a long-term care home. I was not sure about this. So I decided to ask my long time doctor. So, I awaited my next visit and I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug." "Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Get Out of My Car
Get Out of My Car (This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida): An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!
Don't Forget...
Don't Forget... After checking an elderly couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things, as their memory is getting worse. The couple thanked the doctor and left. A few days later, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. "You see?!?" his wife yells at him in rage, "You forgot the onions!"
The Wrong Fashion Accessory
The Wrong Fashion Accessory An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming, Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope, Not a clue", she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!' Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat..."
How to Keep Love Alive
How to Keep Love Alive Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll do it again." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an entire hour. The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age! What's your secret? Could you make love like that 50 years ago??" The pensioner replies, "I don't think so, son. 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"
That Little Pill
That Little Pill A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together. In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
Never Felt Better Doc
Never Felt Better Doc A happy 90-year-old man walked into the doctor's office. He was all smiles and laughed with the nurses and staff, until they brought him in to see the doctor. The doctor examined him and told him he should start eating better, because his health was not in that great a shape. The old man was surprised, he said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor smiled, "My point exactly."