A soldier is reading a book while off duty when he sees his sergeant coming. Everyone hated sergeant Thompson, he always had a big stick up his bum. "Private." "Sergeant Thompson, Sir!" the soldier said, standing up smartly. "At ease." The soldier gladly returned to his book... until he realized the sergeant is still standing over him, staring at the cover. "Yes, Sarge?" "What's that rubbish you're reading there, private? Re..incar..nation? What's that all about?" "Well," smiles the soldier, "It's pretty simple sir. Say you died, God forbid, and we buried you. Then a few months later grass grew on that plot of land. Then a cow came and ate that grass. As nature dictates, a few hours later it passes it through its stomachs and dumps it out on the ground... Then I would walk by and say: "Hey Sarge, you haven't changed a bit!""

After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked. After making great love, Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Now Joe was curious and a bit alarmed, was there a husband who will come back? "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly." she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all." she said, nibbling at his ear. "Well, who IS he then?" demanded Joe bewildered. "That's me before the operation." She whispered.

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this. We will get three quotations and fix the darn wall!"

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me!" said the young Cowboy. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely." said the old man. The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will." said the old man. The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young Cowboy didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your butt, so it won't hurt as much!"

The mother superior is very upset. She walks into the dinner room and announces to all the nuns to be quiet and listen. "I was walking around the gardens, as I do." She says in a loud voice, "When I found some disturbing things! For one, I found a man's underpants!" All the nuns are taken aback except for one, who is smiling. "Then, " continues the mother superior, "I found a WOMAN'S underpants!" All the nuns gasp together, except for one, who is giggling. "And if that wasn't enough, I found.... a... a... used condom!" All the nuns gasp, and some turn white, except for one, who is laughing quietly. "And in the condom," finishes mother superior, "was a hole." All the nuns laugh, except for one, who is crying.

A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man... The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says: "Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead, when she comes in she will see our 'lifeless' bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her." The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse. The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out: "Darling, you can come out! They're both dead!"

A young man moved to the beach area and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps walking, but can't understand how that old guy is meeting so many women... The next day, he takes a stroll on the beach again, and passes the same guy, who once again has many attractive young women with him. The next time he walks down the beach, he sees the old guy again, and he still has hot young women all around him. Finally, he decides that he has to know the old guy's secret, so he pulls the guy aside and asks, "How do you do it? How do you always attract so many hot young women?" The old guy responds, "Tomorrow, when you head out to the beach, slip a potato inside your bathing suit!" So the next day, the young guy slides a potato into his bathing suit and heads out for his daily beach walk. But today, all the women are actually moving farther and farther away from him! He finds the old guy again and says, "Hey, what's going on? I followed your advice, I put a potato in my bathing suit, and the women are practically running away from me!" The old guy sighs and says: "Try again tomorrow, but this time, put the potato in the front!"

A man named Adam walked along a forest trail, when suddenly he was stopped by an evil looking crone, who calls herself a witch. The witch screeches at him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed!" Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!" Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?” And the lady said, “Pardon?”

A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?" "T!" she answered.

An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

A large sinkhole opens up on a remote town. An alarming number of people fall into it and injure themselves and it's difficult to get them all to the small hospital they have. The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. However, they only have 2 ambulances and they're needed more in the center of the town to get there quickly. So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone nods in deep wisdom. Alas, after a few days it's obviously not really doing much and it just creates more accidents with too many cars on the smaller roads. Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole. Finally the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells: "You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole and then we dig a new one next to the hospital!"

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Gizmo here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink?" asks the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Gizmo going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Gizmo! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Well, I've never had any money before."

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself. She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." She agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats below deck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But... After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection below decks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And...well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose." she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "and you think I'm out enjoying myself every night."

A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed. “What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”

One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute. The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home. As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes. "Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!" The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"

I went with a friend to buy a grey cotton sweatshirt. I bought one but when I got home I noticed a little rip in the left sleeve. I showed it to my friend who encouraged me to return it. Would you believe, when I got to the store, the salesperson said "I'm sorry. This isn't the sweatshirt you purchased. Our records indicate that the sweatshirt you bought was 80% rayon and polyester. We can't take back this cotton one." "I'm afraid you're wrong", said I, smiling at my friend, who had been with me through the whole affair. "I did indeed purchase a cotton sweatshirt." I pointed to my friend. "This is my material witness".

A man finds himself in need of a good lawyer. He finds one online and goes to his office. After being allowed inside, he sits across from the lawyer. He needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks. “Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.” The man was alarmed. “Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?” He inquired. “Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

For years Frank's knees or elbows would start to ache at 8:50am and 8:50pm. At first he thought nothing of it....he was getting older and he figured it was all part of aging. After about 5 years Frank got concerned and starting seeing doctor after doctor trying to figure out what what was causing it. Desperate he started looking to alternative medicine...no help...he started seeing doctors running pill mills...no help. The pain would come back twice a day every day. At his wits' end he goes and sees a doctor in a filthy clinic. This doctor had been suspended many times, sued and lost every lawsuit, but Frank was losing hope for a diagnosis. Sitting on an exam table in a thin paper exam gown, Frank tells the sleazy doctor.. "Every day, every day at 8:50 I'm in pain....the best doctors in the state cannot figure out what the cause is." The sleazy doctor sitting there in his stained lab coat....filter-less cigarette dangling from his mouth looks up and down at Frank and finally says: "It's simple. You have ten-to-ninetis."

Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy. An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said. "This is not a job for just one person. You need more people to help you." He said, so I got my wife to help. Still no good. "More people" he said as he saw it still not working. So at that point, I got my son and daughter to help as well but still no luck "Many more." He said. Luckily the neighbors were home and after a quick discussion with them I had the whole clan from next door over to help. In total there were now 11 people, plus the maintenance man in the lounge. At this point the maintenance man tells me to get everyone to touch the switch and to try it again and sure enough, it worked. I was flabbergasted and asked how and why this had worked now where it wouldn't before with just myself. He replied "Many hands make light work."

I'd tell you a confidence joke but I'm insecure I'd tell a war joke but I'm afraid it would bomb I'd tell an enema joke but you couldn't hold it in I'd tell a flogger joke but it doesn't have much impact. I'd tell a bondage joke but it's too restrictive. I'd tell you an underground railroad joke but you'd run away. I'd tell a monotone joke but it doesn't have any range I'd tell a hanging joke but I always choke \I'd tell you a constipation joke, but it's full of... well, you know. I'd tell a Wesley Snipes tax joke but it's too evasive I'd tell a big ass joke but it's too much to grasp I'd tell an amputee joke but I don't have a leg to stand on I'd tell a cyber-security joke but you couldn't hack it I'd tell a joke about a joke but it'd be recursive I'd tell a pot joke but it's half baked I'd tell a small penis joke but there's not enough there I'd tell a gay joke but I'm not sure I could tell it straight I'd tell a porky pig joke but tha..tha..that's all folks!

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. It's... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher, a smile in his voice So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer..."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: "Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass.' David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the crap' out of him. We do NOT refer to the cross as the 'Big T'! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, 'Eat me.' The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry!" The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God." Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. And lastly, don't EVER refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys!""

In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick: If you are well, there's nothing to worry about! If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about! If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about! If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry... So why worry at all??