I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
You're so ugly when your wife takes you to the beach they ask her what she used for bait.
What Mother Superior Found
What Mother Superior Found The mother superior is very upset. She walks into the dinner room and announces to all the nuns to be quiet and listen. "I was walking around the gardens, as I do." She says in a loud voice, "When I found some disturbing things! For one, I found a man's underpants!" All the nuns are taken aback except for one, who is smiling. "Then, " continues the mother superior, "I found a WOMAN'S underpants!" All the nuns gasp together, except for one, who is giggling. "And if that wasn't enough, I found.... a... a... used condom!" All the nuns gasp, and some turn white, except for one, who is laughing quietly. "And in the condom," finishes mother superior, "was a hole." All the nuns laugh, except for one, who is crying.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing