“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” Les Dawson
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.” Tina Fey
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” Sam Ewing
What Mother Superior Found
The mother superior is very upset. She walks into the dinner room and announces to all the nuns to be quiet and listen.
"I was walking around the gardens, as I do." She says in a loud voice, "When I found some disturbing things! For one, I found a man's underpants!"
All the nuns are taken aback except for one, who is smiling.
"Then, " continues the mother superior, "I found a WOMAN'S underpants!"
All the nuns gasp together, except for one, who is giggling.
"And if that wasn't enough, I found.... a... a... used condom!"
All the nuns gasp, and some turn white, except for one, who is laughing quietly.
"And in the condom," finishes mother superior, "was a hole."
All the nuns laugh, except for one, who is crying.