Himself

Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

"Please stop!" they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
How Much Do You Charge?
How Much Do You Charge? A man finds himself in need of a good lawyer. He finds one online and goes to his office. After being allowed inside, he sits across from the lawyer. He needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks. “Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.” The man was alarmed. “Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?” He inquired. “Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
There once was a man from Racine
Who was an amazing fu**ing machine
Both concave and convex
He could screw either s*x
and jerk himself off in between.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Out On Family Safari
Out On Family Safari Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."