Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her 3 times a day."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of this child, decides not to linger on what he said and so continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? What do you want to be?" she asks.
"I wanna be Johnny's wife!" Says Susie.
It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.
Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.
When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half."
"Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?"
"I don't know." Said Johnny.
"A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher.
"I don't know." repeated Johnny.
"Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher.
"Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said Little Johnny.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it juice?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
"A puppy!"
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far, I've made $20!"
A Sunday School teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.
Sunday School Teacher: "Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?"
Little Johnny: "Hallowed!"
Sunday School Teacher: "Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?"
Little Johnny: "It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name..."
One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
"In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
How do different professionals measure the volume of a ball?
Mathematician: Measures the dimensions of the ball and calculates the volume.
Engineer: Looks up the volume in the ball catalog.
Physicist: Submerges the ball in a beaker of water and measures the displacement.
Statistician: Compiles thousands of guesses about the volume without a single answer being correct.
Lawyer: Explains to you why it is legally someone else's job to calculate the volume.
Politician: Tells you every statistic about the ball, from every angle, his opinions on the ball, and his opponents' opinions, but still won't answer the question you actually asked.
Banker: Prefers to invest in other people's guesses about the volume and charge a commission on the profits.
Psychologist: Sits with the ball for an hour and tries to get it to talk about itself and its volume.
Mechanic: Doesn't care about the volume, but asks when was the last time you replaced its timing belt.
Economist: Explains that the volume depends on supply, demand, and global market conditions, and predicts that it will likely change in the future.
Tech Guy: Develops an app to measure ball volume, which crashes the first time you try to launch it.
Doctor: Asks if the ball is experiencing any pain, orders some lab tests, and will get back to you with an answer in two weeks.
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions:
Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
--------------------------------------
Three old guys were out walking.
First one said, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!"
The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"
--------------------------------------
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
A robber pulls a gun on a bank clerk and manager saying,
“Give me all the money!"
"May I ask, sir," says the bank manager, "'why are you doing this?"
"Well, you know, I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established and turned into passive income.”
The bank manager leans to the clerk and says, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one material, what would it be?
One girl said, "I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette."
One boy said, "I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher said, "Little Johnny, What would you want?"
Johnny said, "I would want silicone."
"Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher
"Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Telling a Lie is a
sin for a child,
fault for an adult,
an art for a lover,
a profession for a lawyer,
a requirement for a politician,
a management tool for a boss,
an accomplishment for a bachelor,
an excuse for a subordinate, BUT
A matter of survival for a Married Spouse!
A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus.
Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn't sound so good to them, an environment with animals, that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents.
So the couple produce photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise - all that a child requires."
Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What ages were you looking to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon."
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."
"Can you tell me what comes after three?"
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven," answers little Johnny.
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," answers little Johnny.
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My dad is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this. We will get three quotations and fix the darn wall!"
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
After several hours, the two men of the family come back, smiling and tired.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response.
He replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day.
I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun.
So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair.
That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack.
Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious.
He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't.
Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T.
My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess what it is. This one is round and red."
Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. The teacher knew him to be a troublemaker.
"It's a plum miss," said a girl.
"No." Said the teacher with a smile. "it's an apple, but i like the way you think!
The next one is oval shaped and green."
The teacher ignored Little Johnny's eagerly raised hand again as a boy said, "It's an Iguana miss!"
"No, it's a kiwi, but i like the way you think Billy."
Little Johnny couldn't help himself anymore and said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red knob."
"Johnny, that's disgusting!" shouted the teacher in anger.
"Nah, " Said Little Johnny. "It's a match, but i like the way you think."
So Shamus and Johnny were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!
Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA to the cabin saying "Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. unfortunately we have lost one engine, but do not worry, I will ensure your safety.
The plane lands on water, and the captain calmly says, "Hello passengers, we have successfully landed on the water, I hope all of you are fine! Now, all of the people who can swim, please go to the right side of the plane. The people who can't, please go to the left.
Johnny mentioned to Shamus, "See this is what I love about this airline, they always have backup plans for every situation!"
Shamus replied, "Yeah, pare, I agree, the crew seems well trained for these situations."
After everyone was arranged according to their swimming abilities, the captain spoke, "Everyone who can are on the right side of the plane, please evacuate the plane immediately and carefully. And to those on the left side of the plane...
Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines."
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large.
"Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.”
She sighed. "Go head, Johnny."
Little Johnny smiles, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
An 80-year-old lady was being interviewed by a local news station because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer began to ask her questions about her life, why she has decided to get remarried at 80, and for some information about her new husband.
"My husband is a funeral director", she answered.
"That's interesting", the reporter replied.
The reporter was then curious about her previous three husbands and what their professions had been. After a few minutes of reflection, the woman smiled and answered proudly. She explained that in her 20's she married a banker, in her 40's a circus ringmaster, a preacher in her 60's and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.
The reporter was unsure how to process her answer and then asked why she married four men with such different lives and career choices.
The woman once again smiled and explained, "I married the first for the money, the second for the show, the third to prepare myself, and the fourth to go!"
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother, concerned at her boy's tears, asked, "What’s the matter little Johnny?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb bang on with the hammer!" said little Johnny through his tears.
His mother was touched by the boy's sensitivity, but didn't like seeing him cry.
"That’s not so serious." She tried to soothe him. "Now I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. That's something to laugh about."
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said:
"Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret - and this makes it very easy to blackmail them, merely by saying: "I know the whole truth."
So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother."
The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again "I know the whole truth," he asserts boldly.
The mailman stops in his tracks, then, tears in his eyes, drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms and says: "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!!!"
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo
He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
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