First Jokes

Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."
The Wifi Password
The Wifi Password A man goes into a bar in the airport and asks the bartender what the password is to their wi-fi. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wi-fi password? Bartender: It's you-need-to-buy-a-drink-first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
And What Does YOUR Father Do?
And What Does YOUR Father Do? It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living. Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all. When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half." "Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?" "I don't know." Said Johnny. "A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher. "I don't know." repeated Johnny. "Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher. "Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Want to start your day laughing? Register to our Daily Joke!
Did you mean:
Continue With: Facebook Google
By continuing, you agree to our T&C and Privacy Policy