Arms

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Little Johnny and the Blackmailing Scheme
Little Johnny and the Blackmailing Scheme At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret - and this makes it very easy to blackmail them, merely by saying: "I know the whole truth." So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother." The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again "I know the whole truth," he asserts boldly. The mailman stops in his tracks, then, tears in his eyes, drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms and says: "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!!!"
The Personal Ad
The Personal Ad A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, NOR RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, “You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!” She snorted, “You don't have any arms either!” Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!” She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???” The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".

To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.