Ugly

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”

- Charlotte Gray.
The Berkowitz Baby
The Berkowitz Baby There was a man named Ray Berkowitz, and he was at work when his wife called in panic - she was ready to give birth! He hurried to the hospital as quickly as he could, marveling that his son, Charles, is about to be born. One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labor. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital. He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door [BEAUTIFUL BABIES] Excitedly he rushed in, "I want to see my son!" The nurse asked for the name. "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looked at the list and said, "sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall." Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign [Beautiful Babies] Alright, "My son will have a pretty easy life looking handsome." He thought and walked in. "I want to see my son." "Name, please." "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and says, "sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall." So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign [Ugly Babies] "That's alright." He thought. "Looks don't matter." He walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall." Dejected... the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door - [Very Ugly Babies] "It doesn't matter what he looks like." He thinks to himself. "I'll love him no matter what." He walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall." He was getting really worried now... He walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it that says... [Charles Berkowitz]
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Little Johnny Gets a Warning
Little Johnny Gets a Warning Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.
Cashier: “You must be single, right?”

Me: “Yes! How did you know?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
The Duck Rule
The Duck Rule Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blond. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
The Ugly Romeo
The Ugly Romeo A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines. But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm. The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’ ‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows.’
Let me help you out of that ugly sweater.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Like the toad; ugly and venomous.
Like the toad; ugly and venomous.
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