Lying Jokes

What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
The Art of Lying Telling a Lie is a sin for a child, fault for an adult, an art for a lover, a profession for a lawyer, a requirement for a politician, a management tool for a boss, an accomplishment for a bachelor, an excuse for a subordinate, BUT A matter of survival for a Married Spouse!
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
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