Lying

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."
She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
The Art of Lying
The Art of Lying Telling a Lie is a sin for a child, fault for an adult, an art for a lover, a profession for a lawyer, a requirement for a politician, a management tool for a boss, an accomplishment for a bachelor, an excuse for a subordinate, BUT A matter of survival for a Married Spouse!
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.

“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies,” Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”

In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”