A CEO went on a rock-climbing trip with one of his employees. The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go." The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a wad of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the hell is this for?" The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."

A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house. After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap. A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep. After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep. Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep. The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"

A Sunday School teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year. Sunday School Teacher: "Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?" Little Johnny: "Hallowed!" Sunday School Teacher: "Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?" Little Johnny: "It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name..."

A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant." "Oh?" the judge asked. "Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.' So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character." The man protested, "How can you say that?" "Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

A woman was sued by a man for defamation of character. He charged that she had called him a pig. She was found guilty and fined. After the trial, she asked the judge: "Does this mean I cannot call Mr. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mr. Johnson?" asked the woman. The judge replied that she could indeed call a pig Mr. Johnson with no fear of being charged with a crime. The woman turned, looked directly at Mr. Johnson, and said, "Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson."

What Churches might be soon this 2020 and beyond: PASTOR: Praise the Lord. CONGREGATION: Hallelujah! PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker. CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all. CONGREGATION: Amen!

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer. "Well, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Michael Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Sighing, thinking about his many sins, he gets into the church. Spotting there is no line at the confessional, he pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Shocked, he realizes here’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. On the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me." Says Murphy. "I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that this place is much better than it used to be!" The priest freezes and stares at him. “Get out, you idiot. You’re on MY side!"

A woman makes a new friend at the gym, a beautiful woman. A few months later, she gets a wedding invitation. Excited, she asks her friend if this is her first marriage. "Fourth, actually." Says the other woman . Her friend says, "Fourth?? How.. how wonderful." Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?" The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." the woman replies. Feeling shocked, "Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. Did he eat poison mushrooms, too?" she asks. "Oh, no. He died of a broken neck." Came her reply. Her friend asks, "A broken neck?" The woman calmly looks at her and says, "He wouldn’t eat his mushrooms.."

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven When a group of politicians walked up. "Hey Petey, may we come in too Heaven?" asks one jovially. St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had a group of politicians come in to heaven before, let me ask God." He then turns around and goes to consult God. "My lord, there is a group of politicians at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?" God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had politicians in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in." St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later. "THEY'RE GONE!" He said. "The politicians?" "THE PEARLY GATES!!"

A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller and asks him what his future would look like if he became an artist. To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large pipe, takes a hit, then looks into her crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother." So the businessman asks him about his second choice, carpentry. The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball, and says "better, but still not good." Finally, the businessman asks him how his life would go if he became an accountant. The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball and says "best choice so far, but don't you have larger hopes than that?" The businessman says "thank you madam, how much do I owe you?" The fortune teller replies, "You asked three questions, so that will be three thousand dollars." "Three thousand dollars!" the businessman exclaims, "but I was only here for a few minutes!" The fortune teller points to her pipe and says "this stuff's not cheap, but to be honest I do keep most of it. You're a businessman, you understand." When the businessman gets home, he sees his wife and he says "honey, I'm going into the fortune-telling business." "Why's that?" she asks. He replies, "the high prophet margin!"

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm. After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love. Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes. After 20 minutes of love making, the woman is no closer to being satisfied whilst the man is nearly finished and wants to hold out, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places until he is ready to do more. So the friend is now copulating with the wife while the man wafts the towel. After 2 minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had. The husband looks at them proudly and says: “now that, my friend, is how you waft a bloody towel!”

Many years ago, a wealthy woman, quite fond of collecting antiques and curiosities, found a vase during her travels. She liked the vase so much that she decided to paint her entire display room the same color as the vase. She put out an announcement saying that she will pay out a great deal of money to anyone who can come up with the matching color paint. Many painters came to examine the vase, but try as they might, they couldn't create a paint quite to the woman's satisfaction. One day, a painter comes along asking to examine the vase and promising that he could come up with a matching color. True to his word, after a minute looking at the vase, he is immediately able to deliver to the owner's satisfaction, and is awarded the job. This incident made him famous, which he used to launch a thriving business. Many years later, he decides to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son says to him, "Dad, I have just one question for you. How did you get the paint to match the vase so perfectly?" His father looks at him and says: "Can you keep a secret?" "Sure." The old man comes close to him, leans over and whispers: "I painted the vase."

Years ago, the CIA, the Mossad and the KGB were tasked to find a rabbit in a dense forest as a friendly competition between agencies. The CIA, returns with a rabbit in 24 hours, explaining that they'd used an array of satellites pinpointing the location of the rabbit in record time. The Mossad returns with a rabbit in 48 hours, stating that they'd used a network of informants and ground operatives to locate the rabbit with a fraction of the cost. The KGB agents return after 5 days with a giant bear. Surprised and bemused, the other parties laugh and say to the KGB that they were supposed to bring back a rabbit! The KGB agents replied: "This is a rabbit, ask it for yourself if you don't believe us." As they all turn towards the bear. The bear glances at the KGB agents fearfully and says: "I'm a rabbit."

George came home from University in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?" "No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?" George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" she asked. "It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."

Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lot of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma

Two friends go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions: "When the light above the door turns green, you can jump." The first guy (who is a major stutterer) asks: "w-w-w-will the p-p-p-parach-ch-ute open o-o-on its o-o-o-own?" The instructor says: "No sir, you have to pull the chord yourself. Just jump out, count to ten and then pull the chord." The light turns green and the second guy jumps first. After ten seconds he opens his parachute and lands safely in an open field next to a river. After a few minutes he hears a loud splash and he looks over to the river. The first guy comes up and says: "N-n-ine."

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. “I’m done for!” he cries in despair. “No you are NOT!” - comes a booming voice from all around him. “Listen carefully son, and do exactly what I say. Grab the spear from the man on your left use it to stab their chief in the heart.” The man grabbed the spear and in a strength born of panic he stabbed the chief, who collapses, dead. The remainder of the tribe stare at him in disbelief. You could hear a pin drop a 100 feet away. “Now what???” - the man asked the voice. And the booming voice answers: “NOW, my son, you’re done for.”

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up. One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was Mick Jagger getting ready. Our guy approached him and begged him to come and talk to him at some point during the concert. He tried to explain that he really liked his girlfriend and they were both huge fans of the Rolling Stones, so it would mean the world to him if his girlfriend was given the impression that he was an acquantaince of Mick Jagger’s. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.” said Mick Jagger. “Please Mr. Jagger, and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.” “Okay, fine. If it'll get you out of my hair." Later on, during a break between songs, Mick Jagger got off stage and went over to the guy and his girlfriend. “Hey man, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while!” he told him with a big smile. The guy looks at him impatiently. "Ugh, Mick, can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend??"

A lovely Russian lady came up to me at the mall and said "Please, I am looking for a one night stand." I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say Billybob, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followed. As the sun peeped over the windowsill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said "So how was that?" "Was wonderful," she said, "but I still have no place to put bedside lamp."