Standing Jokes

"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
You are so small you could sweep under your bed while standing.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
St. Peter and the Politicians St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven When a group of politicians walked up. "Hey Petey, may we come in too Heaven?" asks one jovially. St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had a group of politicians come in to heaven before, let me ask God." He then turns around and goes to consult God. "My lord, there is a group of politicians at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?" God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had politicians in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in." St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later. "THEY'RE GONE!" He said. "The politicians?" "THE PEARLY GATES!!"
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Richard was standing in a queue when a guy took a shot at his height. He said, "Well, at least, us tall people can see till the end of the line".
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
A Less-Than-Perfect Plan A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked: "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
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