An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?"
The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!"
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?"
The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender."
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
"Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says.
"I do." The bartender gurgles back.
"Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks.
"Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!"
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat...
"The reason it's called the Keyboard is because it's a space bar."
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of..." says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before adding "... scotch."
"Why the long face?" asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean "big pause"?" asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry." Sighs the Bartender. "Like I said, it's been a rough day."
The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by.
He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well. The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most.
"That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!"
A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?"
"Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, you've seen squirrels?"
"Sure, we see a lot, running around on the branches."
"Keep an eye out, because those are tasty." Said the grand old eagle.
"An eagle-eye," a smart-mouthed grandson said, and was immediately smacked.
The granddaughter asked, "Birds, what about birds, do we eat those?"
"Well some, sure. Seagulls, those are fine, and pretty easy to catch." Answered the great eagle.
A grandson asked, "There's a big white bird with long legs, it lives by rivers and streams, do you know? Do you eat those?"
"I think you mean egrets?" his grandfather asked.
"That's right, egrets, have you eaten a lot of those?"
"Egrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention."
Some time ago, in a little village, there was a yearly tradition. The people of the village, who were usually very polite and God-fearing, would, for one day, participate in a competition of curses.
So once a year, everyone gathered in the village square and watch their fellow villagers go one by one on the little dais and try to come up with the most foul and creative curses in as flowing and natural a manner as possible.
This year wasn't going so well, unfortunately. While some people were pretty creative, no one really impressed the village with their profanity. They've heard variations of it all before.
It was late in the afternoon, and all the promising talents have already gone up. It came time for lesser talents, and Peter was known to have some good curses on occasion, so he was called up. They called his name several times, but he wasn't answering.
Eventually, after a few minutes, they heard the door to the outhouse slam and Peter ran up the stage, and as he arrived he had already begun a flow of such profanity, such nasty cursing, that everyone took a step back. He was jumping up and down and saying such things that even ruddy, experienced old men blanched at this incredible tirade of pure verbal pollution.
Eventually the flow of curses ebbed. The village people all stared at him, amazed into silence.
"Alright," said Peter brightly, "got that darn zipper up, now for the cursing!"
In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...
One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would bring his family glory, and the other family would be forced to leave the territory for good.
The night before the duel, the Father of one clan approached his son and asked him why he decided to do this. Surely there was another way. The son responded he could no longer stand the fighting, and would rather die than deal with it any longer.
Besides, he was older and knew he could easily best the eldest son of the opposing clan. He also had a superior disarming technique and could quickly end it all. He was certain of his victory.
He continued to meditate and focus until the very moment of the duel. He could practically visualize the battle. He knew his opponents every move- he had spied on the past training sessions of his rookie opponent, and knew his every weakness. He was ready.
When the time came, he donned his gear and made his way to the Arena. They approached each other from opposing ends. They stopped. Both bowed low in respect.
Then as they lifted their heads back up, it was a flurry of sparks and slashes as the two went head to head. Such a display of combative grace had never been seen before. Both were clearly masters of their craft. As they continued to exchange blows, the older of the two saw his opening and struck.
The younger fighter's sword hand had been lost. However, at that very moment the sword spun in a way that cut off both legs of the older fighter, dropping him to the floor in a splatter of blood. The younger fighter reached down and picked his sword back up with his left hand and finished his downed opponent in a quick display of mercy.
Later, as the Heads of both clans met to sign their peace treaty, the Father of the older fighter approached the younger fighter. He told him that he held no animosity toward him - he fought valiantly to the very end. He only blamed his own son's foolishness, and as he walked away he muttered sadly to himself, "I just don't understand where he went wrong. He was supposed to be the greatest Samurai of our time..."
To which the younger fighter responded:
"He was indeed an excellent fighter, but while he was focused on disarming me, I simply focused on de-feeting him."
Two mental patients, Jim and Neil, are sitting and playing checkers in the game room.
Jim says: "Wow don't ask what a terrible dream I had yesterday! I am in New York, get on the train on the way to you to Boston, fall asleep, and arrive in Chicago! Get on the train from Chicago to Boston, fall asleep again, and wake up in New York! It was back and forth like that all night long!"
Neil laughs and tells him: "I had an amazing dream yesterday, and I met a beautiful, famous woman."
Jim gets excited, asking, "Who?"
Neil answers him: "Beyoncé! And what is she telling me? 'Can I come in to warm up?'"
"Well, so what did you say?" Jim asks.
"I said to her, 'Why not? Let's have some fun! She went in, took off her clothes, went into the shower and came out with a towel to hug me on the couch "
"Wow, what a dream..." says Jim with a hint of envy.
"Wait, that's not all," adds the other, "the second we sit down, another knock on the door. I open it, and who's standing in the entrance, wet from the rain?"
"Well, who?" asks Jim enthusiastically, "Scarlett Johansson! She also wants to go in to warm up! She goes in, takes off her clothes, takes a shower and comes to warm up with us on a sofa. And all night I'm thinking what the heck am I going to do with TWO of them?"
"What kind of friend are you?" complains Jim "Couldn't you have called me? Isn't one beautiful, famous girl enough for you?"
"You think I didn't try?" Shouts Neil, suddenly upset. "I called you all night, but you? New York to Chicago, Chicago to New York, New York to Chicago..."
A young man approaches a fisherman standing in the river.
He waves to the fisherman and says, "Wow, great pole you've got there!" The fisherman smiles, gives a slight nod, and says, "thank you!"
"And man, that's some of the coolest tackle I've ever seen!"
The fisherman smiles and nods proudly, "Thank you!"
"Some high-quality bait, too."
"Thanks again!" says the fisherman with a big smile.
The young man peers down into the river, curious.
"You know," He says. "The fish don't really come through here this time of year."
"Yeah, I know." Shrugged the fisherman.
"Then what are you fishing for?"
It's a nice day at the university, when members of the teaching staff, a physicist, a law professor, a political science professor, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire!
The political science professor says: "Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!" and proceeds to exit the room.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
The law professor declares: "Please stop blaming the victim, you have yet to prove the can is indeed on fire!"
Meanwhile, the three turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire!
"What the heck are you doing??" they scream at him.
"Getting a proper sample size!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road.” explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call!".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right.", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes." says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah." the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of course." the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck
"That's right!" says the barman
The duck looks confused.
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"
There was once a Viking who became such a powerful warrior, he decided to take up a new challenge. The Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.
He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.
Believing that their daughter was guaranteed to win in a staring contest, the couple sent a messenger to invite the Viking to Ireland to face off against her. He gladly accepted the challenge, setting sail the next day.
The Viking eventually arrived at the couple's home, where he and the daughter had a staring contest which lasted for hours, and eventually days. Nearly a week had passed, and the Viking's eyes remained wide open. At this point, the girl was so exhausted that she decided to forfeit the match, losing by default.
Her parents were baffled. The wife asked her husband, "How could he have kept his eyes open for so long, even against someone with no eyelids?". With no good explanation, the husband shrugged and responded "You can lead a Norse to daughter, but you can't make him blink."
It was a man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift.
Since he was a widower of many years, and after some discussion, they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life.
Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring.
He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. She says to the senior: "Hi there, I'm here to give you super sex!"
The old man thinks for a moment... then says: "I'll take the soup".
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date."
A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.
Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbors decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning.
"Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex."
"Sir, we realize that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement..."
"But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It's waking us and our kids up."
"Oh! I didn't know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won't happen again."
"Thank you so much, sir."
The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor. He removes his right boot and - "Wait a minute... this is what they were talking about, isn't it?" he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed.
An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbors standing outside in their nightclothes...
"SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?"
Three technicians guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified.
The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm gonna give you 1 day to impress me - set as many telephone poles as you can and report back tomorrow."
They all three go to work setting poles and return the next day into the boss' office. The boss asks one by one how many they set. The first guy set 13, "Wow, 13 - that is impressive!" the boss tells him happily.
The second guy set 9. "Well," said the boss, "not as good as the first guy but still it is impressive." He turns to the third guy.
"How many did you set?" The boss asks.
"Two." the man replies triumphantly, his blond hair waving in the wind.
"TWO?? That's it?!?" The manager was shocked. "That's barely any! What were you doing all day?"
"Well, I didn't want to have to be a snitch... but these other guys? They only put theirs halfway in the ground!"
LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.
ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone.
CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes.
The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings.
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see?"
A biology student doing his thesis on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.
In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store. He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. I've been listening to so many wasps, I'll probably be able to know each and every one of them."
He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper feigns interest. The student pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.
"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.
"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!
It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was already an expert on the subject! He calls his professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him:
"I thought I was an expert by now, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, almost in tears.
The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record. "Ah, I know what the problem is!" He says.
"What? what is it?!"
"You've got it on the B-side!"
A Texan is in London for business, and decides he'd like to see the sights before he leaves, so jumps into a taxi and has them show him around.
They drive past Big Ben, and the taxi driver notes it took 15 years to build. The Texan scoffs at this. "You Brits are so slow! We'd build something twice the size in half the time!"
Next they swing by the Tower Bridge. Again, the driver comments that this impressive landmark was completed in only 8 years, and again the Texan scoffs. "That bridge is tiny! In Texas, we would have built a much larger bridge in just a year or two."
A little further on, they drive past Buckingham Palace, but the taxi driver doesn't comment on it. The Texan is puzzled, and asks "What's that then? I suppose that must have taken you a hundred years to build!"
The taxi driver just shakes his head. "Sorry mate, not sure what that one is - wasn't here yesterday."
A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty.
As he snuck behind the guard, he couldn't help but notice the guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying. "I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again!" He moaned. "Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore!" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.
The burglar could easily sneak past, but found himself feeling bad for the guard. Instead of proceeding with his plan, the burglar's sympathy for the guard got the better of him. He marched right down to the museum curator's office and kicked in the door.
There sat the director of the museum, the head of HR, and the head of security in a meeting.
"What are you doing here? How did you get pass the guard?!?" shouted the museum director.
"Gentlemen," said the burglar, "I'm afraid you've let your guard down."
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
"Sure." I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it. What has come of this world, when a man won't give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
"Thank God you're not like that." She smiled at me. "I suppose it's silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age."
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive."
In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc.
One day, she went to shop for clothes.
After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things.
"Sure." Said the seer, and the girl went to get her dresses.
When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow.
"There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!"
"I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you."
"Nope. No way." said the seer.
"How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl.
"Trust me," said the seer, "I'm a medium."
So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.
His friend says, "Please come back to us."
The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."
His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!"
Almost dropping his cup due to the tugging, the rabbit rights himself and says, "You almost made me break my favorite cup! Please leave!"
His friend angrily storms off. The rabbit's wife comes out and says, "What was that about?"
The rabbit says, "My friend wanted me to lead the community at the synagogue again, but I would've had to drop the tea."
A man went to the doctor. He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."
Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch, sipping their tea.
Then one asked the other:
"Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?"
"Yes, that's right."
"So how are things between you right now?"
"Well... right now..."
The cannibal stopped to take a sip of her tea.
"Right now I'm letting him stew..."
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch.
They are meeting to discuss Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism.
Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."
"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'll conduct a symphony of pain!"
"Sweet," says Stallone. "Well, Arnie? What about you? Who're you going to be?"
Schwarzenegger thinks about this for a long moment, nods his head and says:
"I'll be *Bach.*"
Around the beginning of the 20th century, a society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now".
It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.
The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.
The agency man asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained.
Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there.
Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom.
The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?"
Molly swallows nervously and says: "Surely we do madam, but we don't skin 'em!"
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
"Which one?" the doctor.
"How am I supposed to know? All the bees look the same to me!"
A long time ago, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, though she wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card... then promptly turned white and fainted.
Alarmed, she picked up the card on the floor and read aloud: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’
He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’
The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions:
Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Three old guys were out walking.
First one said, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!"
The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life. Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.
"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"
But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPads. Shaken by this intrusion of the outside world into monastic life, he sought out the abbot.
The abbot looked up from his phone, greeted the man and asked if he had a question.
"Abbot, I came here expecting a place free from distraction, and yet I see distraction all around. Tell me, is it now acceptable for monks to spend their time answering emails?"
"Of course," said the abbot, "provided there are no attachments."