Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall
with great care,
Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift
compiling stats,
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk to see
what was the matter!
I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.
I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.
I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees."
But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
with me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.
When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.
As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.
To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.
"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and just missed the lead deer.
And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
"Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not 'bet his ass.'
David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the crap' out of him.
We do NOT refer to the cross as the 'Big T'!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, 'Eat me.'
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry!"
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
And lastly, don't EVER refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys!""
Three men die: A Physicist, a Philosopher and a Local town idiot.
They stand before the gates of heaven. Between them and the gates stands St. Peter. St. Peter tells the three men "Sorry boys, but it seems heaven is getting jam-packed. To let you in, you have to beat me intellectually, either through a form of a question or a challenge."
The first to come forward is the Physicist, and he tells St. Peter with great confidence "Show me the entire mathematical markup of the Higgs Boson." To which St. Peter merely snaps his finger and produces a dozen large whiteboards and proceeds to write up the whole markup from memory. After careful examination, the Physicist reluctantly agrees that he is correct, and with one snap of the finger, St. Peter sends him to the fiery gates of hell.
The next to come forward is the Philosopher. Thinking that the Physicist made a grave mistake of challenging St. Peter with an empirical question, he decides to give a less-than-empirical challenge of his own. He tells St. Peter "Show me all of the works of Socrates." he says with a smirk, knowing Socrates never wrote down his teachings, St. Peter would be hard pressed on producing an answer. But despite this, St. Peter produces a stack of papers, and the Philosopher reads it with great criticism. There are things there he had never even heard of, and questioned the paper's authenticity, to which St. Peter remarked "Me and Socrates have chatted a lot ever since he got here." And with a snap of a finger, the Philosopher was gone.
Last to come forward is the Local town idiot. The idiot asks St. Peter, "Could I give you a riddle instead?" and St. Peter replies "Of course! I love riddles!" and the idiot proceeds. "What comes up a hill with six legs and comes down with four, comes back up with two legs and back down with no more?"
St. Peter ponders it for a good five minutes and arrives at no answer, and tells the idiot "Well, congratulations, you have left me dumbfounded." and with a snap of a finger, the gates of heaven opens up. The idiot proceeds to enter heaven, but right before he does so, he feels St. Peter tapping on his shoulder, he turns around. "So," St. Peter asks "What's the answer to your riddle?"
The Idiot shrugs his shoulders and says "How the heck should I know?"
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?"
"T!" she answered.
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead
The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door.
"Now Tell him you have a headache."
Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don`t Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Harold Immediately threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the brakes, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."
Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them.
"Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot."
The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew.
"Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly.
"Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently.
Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles.
At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?"
The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid."
Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold.
"What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money.
“I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them.” Says Andrew.
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind.
"Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"Hey Chad! How was it?"
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.
She says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.
Finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "Well I'm ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
"Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
A college student sends a letter to his folks back home
Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi*$$ you guy$!
Love,
Your $on
- - - - - - -
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Mom and Dad
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. Wanting to impress her, he says: "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded.
Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know jack sh*t??"
I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day.
I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun.
So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair.
That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack.
Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious.
He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't.
Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T.
My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
The First Text Message:
'Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.'
The Response: John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Text Message:
'Hi John,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.'
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!"
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sergeant: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?"
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my Jeep."
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?"
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?"
Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5th grade!"
Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office.
While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Jerry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Jerry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Jerry both agreed.
Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Jerry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Jerry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Jerry: "Pants."
Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Jerry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Jerry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Jerry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Jerry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... c e l e b r a t e!"
An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man.
Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”
The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior.
To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him.
“If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!”
“No.”
“Five dollars!”
“No.”
“Ten dollars!”
“I told you, no.”
Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose.
The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The old man smiles and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar."
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren't. And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....
“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.
"But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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