My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath. She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
The Doctor's Plants
Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening.
“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”
Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”
The man seemed to accept that, and promised to stop his smoking.
After he left, the doctors went to lunch. As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, “Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”
“A water lily."
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
The Chinese Doctor
While in China, an American single man acts promiscuous and does not use protection the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his... swimsuit area... covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."
The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate."
"Wait... WHAT?!" The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The man shops around, going to many doctors and experts, but they all tell him the same, they must remove the organ.
At some point a friend tells him, "You contracted this in China right? Then why not go to a CHINESE doctor?"
The man, having not thought of that, seeks out a Chinese doctor in the hopes he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines the problematic area and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my organ!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American docttahs, always want operate, make more money that way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
"Yes yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Well yea it is." Jim said innocently. "8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.”