A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
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