What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
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