You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
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