The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!