Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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