Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
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