Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
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