How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
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