What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
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