I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
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