My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
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