The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
To get to the other tide.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
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