You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
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