Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
To get to the other tide.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."