What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
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