I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
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