In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
To get to the other tide.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
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