During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
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