When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
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