The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
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