I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
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