Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
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