My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
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