Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
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