Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
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