When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
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