Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Go to BabaMail
