The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
To get to the other tide.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
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