Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
That boy narrated his-story really well.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
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