Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
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