The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
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