Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
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