Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
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