When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
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