What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
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