Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
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