What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
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