How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
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