I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
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