Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
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