Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
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