How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
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