A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
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