Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
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