Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
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