What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
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